On days like this, when it’s hot as hell, I’m inclined to think about my own mortality. Because I eat lots of live and raw vegetables, and I eat only fruit for breakfast every day (and sometimes for lunch as well) I expect to live an exceedingly long and productive life. And that being the case, I expect my end-of-life options to be significantly different in the 22nd century, but here’s today’s vision of
An End-of-life Celebration Befitting a Green Living Goddess:
I want my party to be held during the hottest day in July because in life, it couldn’t get too hot for me. I will probably live in sexy Miami – whose shoreline will not have receded because we reversed global warming in time to prevent a significant rise in sea level – so everyone can dress appropriately chic for such a hot party. I want Chicago-style house music spun by a green DJ. Under no circumstances will there be any 70s music played – 1970s or 2070s – no old school music, period.
Please leave your hovercars at home and take public transportation; it’s not at all cute to drive your own personal car to a funeral for a green living advocate. Public transportation covers the city like a spider web and is as luxurious, comfortable and convenient as we all envisioned it would be.
Donate my organs – Surely someone will want to study the positive effects a green lifestyle and All is Well attitude have on the heart, the brain and the intestines. (They should study my scalp too – I plan to continue relaxing and coloring my hair eons into the foreseeable future.)
No traditional eulogy and please, no tears. By now we’ve all figured out that there is life after life and depending on when I make my transition, the spirit you know as Antoinette may have returned to earth in another body by the time we celebrate my life… on the hottest day in July. Instead of a eulogy, please find the absolute funniest comedians alive to entertain my guests; I learned early in life not to take myself too seriously. And I know humor is relative so here are my guidelines:
1. I want at least one clean comedian because clean humor is as funny as anything
2. At least one comedian who curses but is hilarious just the same – seems only appropriate since I process information using curse words though most of the time I manage to edit my thoughts before they drip off my lips.
3. One green comedian – I think that will be the 22nd century equivalent of a Bill Maher, Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert.
4. I absolutely must have at least one woman and she can be any of the above or a hybrid 
5. If by then, I’ve performed a decent stand up act, close the party by showing one of my performances. I want to leave you laughing.
Menu for the Repast:
- Alaskan King Crab Legs – please don’t get them from an organic farm – if there is such a thing; I want the big boys that roam free in the Alaska Ocean. I’m assuming we will have weaned ourselves off of petroleum by then, thus eliminating the possibility of the species being decimated by an oil spill.
- Delicious selection of live and raw vegetables and fresh fruit – not just for my vegetarian friends but for those special friends who are backed up from eating too much meat
- Authentic Key Lime Pie – with lime from the Florida Keys and a doubly thick graham cracker crust
- Champagne – an authentic organic sparkler from the Champagne region of France, like Champagne Prestige Millesime
And please, only take from the buffet what you think you will eat; if there’s anything I find more disagreeable than wasted food, it’s greed for greed’s sake. Some of my life’s greatest pleasures and toughest lessons revolved around food and I know for sure that more is not better; it’s just more.
What will happen to my body/vessel? I don’t know, I’m not able to think past the Key Lime Pie.
